My condolences and hugs to Bette, and others who recently traveled this path. I’m sorry I couldn’t offer them earlier.
This is my first post on this side. One of many I hope!
Yes, I am addressing my husband’s estate or lack thereof; I’ll explain in another post. I’ve gone through some of his things, donations, etc. Addressing thoughts and been back to work with another position (maybe two?) in the back door?!
But as I haven’t written a piece in awhile, I wanted to write on a topic that has been floating in my head for the past several months.
In the past barely four months since my hubby’s passing I have already learned an axiom: There are two types of decision makers that surround you. One group stands back and let’s you make the decisions you need, supporting and offering insight as requested. The other group has no problem telling you what decision you need to make.
I’m going to start with the latter first. In these four months, I’ve been told I need to sell the house and move; get a full time job- now!; get hubby’s affairs closed already; and that I am not capable of making decisions and I need to follow the decisions that I’m being told to follow. Grrr! In four months, I’ve got 85% of the finances dealt with, worked on the mortgage, gotten Twinkie in school and myself a part-time/temp position with something that falls within my career path. I’ve also gone through most of the everyday things that he used, etc. On the flip side, I’ve managed all that by myself thank you very much! And all this through the tears that I seem to shed most times when his name is mentioned.
My feeling is: Decision makers who tell me what to do, BACK OFF! I already did more then I was supposed to in this short time, not because I wanted to, but because I had to or there were consequences. To one person I actually had to repeat four times: “You keep telling me you understand what I’m going through and you didn’t like it when people told you what to do. Why then, if you understand, is it okay for you to do to me exactly what you didn’t like others doing to you at that time?!” After the fourth time there was silence and then, ” I’m sorry. You are right.”
I am an advocate in my own right. I am told often that I’m pretty good at it. Sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to advocate. It’s those times I reach out to my supporters and with them I can speak openly and honestly and get open honest support and encouragement. Little one (mine, age 6) has even become an ardent supporter. One time when I pulled a “tushie” muscle badly, she actually asked me, “do I have to take you to the doctor?” Lots of kisses and smiles.
A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that I still live with: “During the course of life we make decisions: good/bad, yes/no, positive/negative, boring/exciting. But at the end of the day, what will you lay your head on your pillow with?”
I think I’m doing okay. Outside of Him up above, I put my daughter and I first, the rest of the world second. We’ve been very grateful for the blessings we’ve received in the past months (more on that in another blog), she gets one weekend a month that is hers alone, and I am starting to branch back out into the world, getting a new wardrobe and slight shining glimpses of the future. (I may have an opportunity next year to do a presentation before a major emergency preparedness conference.)
So I accept those who try to make decisions for me with His grace and presume they mean it with love (though it can be frustrating at times) and I wholly accept those encouraging decision makers with hugs. But most of all I think I make pretty good decisions. After all, everyday my Twinkie goes to school with a smile.
I think I’m doing okay!
The Roaring Mouse