Loss and Change
Sep 26 2012 in After Your Caregiving Journey, Karen's Blog, Year 2 by Karen
Loss and change: That sounds kind of grim.
As caregivers, we deal with loss and change on a daily basis. We must deal with our loved ones loss of physical and/or mental capacities. We grieve each loss; we celebrate each gain, each rally…and we hope for more. We do our best, knowing that our best is, ultimately, to help them have the best possible life ending.
We grow closer because of the love and care we provide. And then, we face the ultimate loss. Amid the grief, beyond the grief, we must figure out what to do with this major change in the landscape of our lives.
Over the summer, my uncle died. He was the last of that generation of our family. My cousins and my siblings are now the older generation of the family. What a strange concept to me! I still don’t feel quite like a grown up (or maybe I just don’t want to be).
For nearly 35 years, I have automatically reached out to my long-time best friend, who shared my joys and sorrows and always provided good advice. This summer, she, too, passed away. I find myself reaching for the phone and realize that I can no longer reach her that way.
There are other friends to reach out to, other people to offer comfort and help to. And I do that. Because it is what those I have lost would do and would want me to do. Because caregiving takes another turn.
And yet, sometimes, I just need time to process, to try to understand life’s changes, to understand that I will always be someone’s child, sister, friend.
Bette said on September 26, 2012
Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry about your uncle and your friend. I understand when you talk about growing closer and then facing the ultimate loss.
I’ve thought about this exact statement over the past week. My mother and I grew very close and then it was time for her to go.
I’m glad you call the friends that you spoke of. We know loving is something we all long for, but it sometimes feels as though it takes courage.
You are very brave Karen and I am so thankful for your example to me.
Karen said on September 27, 2012
Bette,
Thank you for your comments. It has always been a comfort to know that there are people who truly understand…both the trials of caregiving and the grief.
denise said on September 26, 2012
Oh, wow, Karen, I’m so sorry about your uncle and your friend. I can’t imagine how these losses must feel, especially because it must feel like there are too many.
Your last line really got me. Who are we if we’re not a child, sister or friend? Our relationships do provide definition to our life. And, there’s something so comforting in knowing others in the world know our story.
You are such a dear friend and such a caring person. I hope the next change for you is truly a blessing.
Karen said on September 27, 2012
Sometimes it just seems like the losses keep piling up. It’s hard to keep losing people who have been such a large part of my life for so long and who really know me. I really couldn’t write about these losses sooner.
As I share memories with family, it is great–and somewhat bittersweet–to continually hear examples of their loving natures. I find, now, as I think about those I have lost, that I can carry on the loving legacy they left me and to continue to build those links with others–family and friends.
Sharon said on September 26, 2012
Karen, I am so sorry for the loss of your uncle and now your friend in additon to the losses of your Mom and brother all in the fairly recent past. The losses are so difficult, because we loved them so. As you said they also became part of our identity. That adjusting and changes are so difficult. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Karen.
Karen said on September 27, 2012
Sharon,
I know that you truly understand about the adjusting and changes. so often, your words have been such a comfort to me. Some days are still so hard. It does give me a lot of empathy for others and an appreciation of how much we all mean to each other.