It was middle May the last time that I posted on aftergiving.com. Where has the time gone? The summer as a whole has been a slower pace than the fall/winter schedule.
My sister and her husband were here in early June. They were here from Friday evening until Tuesday midmorning. While they were here my brother-in-law did a couple fix-it jobs for me. They also took me away a day to a botanical garden etc. My sister, even though she lives 500 miles away, has truly been there for me. She calls me most every week.
In July for a few days I went with a friend to Iowa and Minnesota. My siblings, my mom, and one of my son’s families live in that area, within about an hour radius of each other. It was nice doing this, but I found myself glad to be back home again. I went to each family’s house, so it was a bit exhausting especially since one feels one has to be “perky” all the time and can’t let down because of being at each family’s house such a short time.
July 30 would have been Wayne and my 41st anniversary. It was my second anniversary without him, and I still found it very difficult. My birthday on August 24th went much better. It was my 65th, and I received a lot of birthday wishes, calls, and love. I went out with my local son’s family for supper that night, so that was a blessing.
I continue with my volunteer job at the Gathering Place on Tuesdays, although I have taken a few weeks off from that this summer. This is a social program for people with beginning to moderate Alzheimer’s. I find a lot of meaning and purpose in this. I also helped a woman from our church who had a stroke go to therapy and have picked her up for church. I am helping my grandkids with home school also again this coming year. Further I keep busy with my blogs here and elsewhere and my online Christian widow’s support group.
I am not totally grief healed. I know there will always be an ache. I am healing, however. I know I am here for a purpose. I can see wonderful blessings in my life. I can never go back to the way things were before. I wish things were different, but there is still meaning and even blessings in my life now.
There have been good things that have come from the loss. That does not make the loss a good thing, however. I wish my husband could be here to know about the birth of my newest grandson on August 18, for example. I wish we could travel to London together to see him. I do not feel ready to travel alone.
But yet as I said, there have been good things from the loss. My faith and my relationship and dependence on God has become stronger. My compassion for others has grown. Caregiving tried and grief is trying to teach me to not hang so tightly to control and to let go. Grief also enlarges one’s soul to also experience good emotions in a more complete way. It prioritizes life and what is important.
September 2 it will be twenty months since Wayne’s death. Is the grief “better?” Yes, in a way. The raw pain is not as difficult and unpredictable. In some ways it is more difficult, however, the second year; since the loneliness seems more evident. I am so thankful for the blessings still in my life, however, and the insights along the way.