Stopped
Aug 17 2012 in Bette's Blog, Blogs, Year 1 by bette
Many things seemed to stop on July 22, 2012. My mother passed away on that Sunday morning. I had cared for her at home for ten years.
As I was in her room recently, I realized that these calendar blocks had not been changed since that day. Routinely each night, I would close her shade, give her her pills and change her block calendar to the next day’s date. On July 22nd the routine changed; it stopped.
When I saw the blocks, it was a perfect picture of all that just seemed to come to a halt. The challenge is that the rest of the house continues to have its calendar moved. The activity there, with Greg and the kids, as well as outside of the house continue to move on.
It’s so interesting to me that caregiving needs that I once had a hard time doing, I so miss doing now. I’d love to give her her pills, raise her shades and even take her to the bathroom.
Recently, I listened to a woman, MaryBeth Chapman, talk about relationships and losing her five-year-old daughter. She talks about an outline of people on our hearts. That each person forms a unique outline on our heart. That outline cannot ever be filled by another.
It was very comforting to hear this description of the special relationships we each form.
I know the blocks need to continue to move forward. I learned wonderfully helpful and strong caregiving coping strategies through Denise at Caregiving.com. Now it’s time to formulate some of those for “AfterGiving.”
The first, I think has to be time. Time to get my footing, time to begin something new, time to focus on the kids. I’ve talked about wanting to focus fully on them at times, now I need to learn how.
Greg told me last night that I “operate on being preoccupied.” Preoccupation comes in caregiving. Preoccupation is something we want a break from, but when it’s a part of you and a part of your day, I wonder if it’s possible to obtain that break.
There is so much balancing in caregiving that the need for balance and the striving to find it become as important as the balance itself.
Maybe preoccupation is one of the balances that I wanted a break from, but needed it to keep going.
So as I work to find different places for me, I’m so grateful to be able to write here as I look. (:
Jo said on August 17, 2012
Bette,
Glad to see your post and to know that we’ll still have the encouragement of your “voice”. Hopefully we can continue to encourage you as well.
Your imagery of stopped time resonates. One of the more common laments from those us who have experienced loss is seeing how soon the rest of the world seems to pick back up and carry on, if they paused at all to acknowledge our loss. Meanwhile we can feel paralyzed or at least in limbo. You will find your way ahead and it will be your way.
I just read an article which talked about the common expectation that grief one day ends. While acknowledging that the urgent, raw phase of grief can and should diminish, the article pointed out that the mourning for the loved one who is no longer there never really ends and postulates why should it, the love for that person doesn’t end. You will always love your mother so parts of your loss will always hurt… even as you find your now normal.
bette said on August 19, 2012
Hi Jo,
I’m so glad to see you – thank you for your reassuring words. I’m grateful to hear all that you shared. Grief can feel paralyzing – I am grateful for the support to move.
She will always hold a very very unique spot.
Thinking of you Jo and I always look forward to your updates.
denise said on August 17, 2012
Hi Bette–I just love how you capture the idea that something really and truly stopped when your mom passed.
How do you start after such a stop? I think it’s awesome you let us join you in the journey of starting.
I’m curious about the comment from Greg about preoccupation. What do you think preoccupies you?
bette said on August 19, 2012
Hi Denise,
I’m so grateful to have each of you to share this journey with.
I’ve been thinking about your question about what preoccupies me.
I think I have preoccupations that are good and healthy and, not so good.
The good are what inspire me to move forward stronger, achieving or reaching a goal; the not so good, are those preoccupations where I may try to figure out a solution or a better way to think about something, a woe is me thought – more introspective.
We went to see “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” today. I would highly recommend this movie. So much to think about. The focus was in giving.
I think once we find our focus, preoccupations have less room. Not that I want to overlook concerns or questions or feelings, I think our focus is a wonderful way to help balance thoughts and concerns.
I’m glad you asked this question because it causes me to think about balance again.
Thank you Denise.
Karen said on August 17, 2012
Hi Bette,
I, too, found that I missed the caregiving routines that seemed so hard before. I still miss some of these thins. As hard as caregiving was, and as much as it stressed me out, it was an act of love.
It’s difficult to make the transition from the intensity of caregiving. I think that the radical change in routine just accentuates the grief. It definitely takes time to acclimate to changed routines.
Thinking of you.
bette said on August 19, 2012
Hi Karen,
Thank you so much for your words about routine. Oh, I so agree.
I went into our downstairs pantry today – for the first time since my mother passed away. This is where I kept (keep) all her incontinence supplies. It took me off guard and hurt so badly to see these supplies. I want so much to replenish the supply (as I did) in her bedroom. She would always be amazed that we had more.
Thank you again Karen – I’m thinking of you as well.
Sharon said on August 27, 2012
I am so sorry I did not see your blog post before today, Bette. When you lose someone you love you do not “get over it” or even through it. The pain lessens with time, but it is still there. You cannot replace that person in your life ever. A Christian book I’m reading talks about how we don’t get over the pain but we learn to transecend it in a sense in time, and it somehow enlarges our soul in the process. As for missing caregiving duties-it was part of your purpose for so long, so you will naturally feel somewhat adrift.