As I was in her room recently, I realized that these calendar blocks had not been changed since that day. Routinely each night, I would close her shade, give her her pills and change her block calendar to the next day’s date. On July 22nd the routine changed; it stopped.
When I saw the blocks, it was a perfect picture of all that just seemed to come to a halt. The challenge is that the rest of the house continues to have its calendar moved. The activity there, with Greg and the kids, as well as outside of the house continue to move on.
It’s so interesting to me that caregiving needs that I once had a hard time doing, I so miss doing now. I’d love to give her her pills, raise her shades and even take her to the bathroom.
Recently, I listened to a woman, MaryBeth Chapman, talk about relationships and losing her five-year-old daughter. She talks about an outline of people on our hearts. That each person forms a unique outline on our heart. That outline cannot ever be filled by another.
It was very comforting to hear this description of the special relationships we each form.
I know the blocks need to continue to move forward. I learned wonderfully helpful and strong caregiving coping strategies through Denise at Caregiving.com. Now it’s time to formulate some of those for “AfterGiving.”
The first, I think has to be time. Time to get my footing, time to begin something new, time to focus on the kids. I’ve talked about wanting to focus fully on them at times, now I need to learn how.
Greg told me last night that I “operate on being preoccupied.” Preoccupation comes in caregiving. Preoccupation is something we want a break from, but when it’s a part of you and a part of your day, I wonder if it’s possible to obtain that break.
There is so much balancing in caregiving that the need for balance and the striving to find it become as important as the balance itself.
Maybe preoccupation is one of the balances that I wanted a break from, but needed it to keep going.
So as I work to find different places for me, I’m so grateful to be able to write here as I look. (: