Just Wondering…
Aug 28 2012 in Bette's Blog, Year 1 by bette
I talked with a friend today whose mother passed away six months ago. She was talking about how her relationship with her husband and her son were still adjusting and changing a bit.
She went on to explain that the relationships need to adjust, because their lives, hers particularly as a caregiver, have changed.
I can’t quite sort through yet all that she had to say, but was wondering if some of your relationships experienced change? If they did or are, how did you do with the adjustments? How did the people involved do?
One of the reasons I’m curious is because I do notice some adjusting with my relationship with the kids. I’m still observing and handling carefully, but I’m so anxious to hear your experiences. Thank you!
Sharon said on August 28, 2012
Bette, I am sure that there will be some changes or at least temporary adjustments in relationships in your family, because your mother lived in your home for so long.
My situation is so different than yours. I lost a husband, and my three sons were all married with families of their own. There were and perhaps still are definite adjustments. My sons and their families were used to thinking of Wayne and I as a unit. They have all been very kind to me, but that has to be an adjustment for them in addition to missing their Dad. For me there is the adjustment of not only losing my husband but of living alone, doing things alone, and living as a single person in a coupled society.
I think also my son who lives close by especially felt and still feels the need at times to be a little overprotective of me and to “fill in” for Wayne not being there which he can’t of course. There have been times too when they have invited me places and I have been too fatigued to go. I don’t think he has always understood this.
So anyhow, sometimes there has to be understanding and accepting of others as to where they are in their grief. Each person is different. You may need to process your grief in a different way and timetable than other family members. You will also feel a void of purpose for awhile that the others may not feel, because you were so involved in your Mother‘s care. With mutual love and respect for each other that seems to be evident in your family you will work through these adjustments, and your family will be stronger for it.
kristin masters said on August 28, 2012
My situation, too, is different from yours, as you know. I don’t have kids, or a husband or anyone who was close enough to be affected by my caregiving. However, I know that a lot of my energy went into attending to Mary, and that, as a matter of fact, there was not one minute of the day or night when part of my brain was not directed toward her needs. There was a “Mary room” in there that was never unattended. So I wonder if kids intuit this in their mother caregivers and, even if they understand they whys of it, have some resentment about not being the complete focus of mom’s attention. I wonder if kids develop some caution in their relationship with their caregiver mothers. Maybe withholding a little bit. Just a thought from a non-mother.
Karen said on August 29, 2012
Hi Bette,
Like Sharon and Kristin, my situation is different than yours. I’m certain that the dynamic has changed in your family and it will take a while to adjust.
I have been particularly close to my younger brother’s children and they always looked to my mother to be their sounding board. What I have noticed is that my oldest nephew here has taken it upon himself to step in and try to watch out for me, to take care of things around the house and run interference for me. The oldest girl, whom I helped raise, reminds me every time I visit that she would like to have me move in with their family.
I have definitely felt that void of purpose that Sharon speaks of.
It’s interesting to me to note that after my brother and mother passed, “the kids” think about taking care of me now.
My brother and sister and I have gotten along well for some time. But now, we are closer, even though we live fairly far apart. We no longer take it for granted that we will always have each other. My cousin, who cared for his mother and father, tells me the same thing. He and his brothers have pulled together more.
I think everyone’s focus shifts, family dynamics change.
Jo said on August 29, 2012
Bette, I was curious what others would say but their response matches my experience and reading…
A friend of mine, a widow, wrote in a grief support book that the surviving spouse can loss up to 75% of her previous friendship network with the death of a spouse, some of that loss will include family. I’ve experienced some of that dynamic and read hundreds of articles and blog entries of major family rifts based on the loss of a loved one.
My other observation is the difference between divorce and a death. The “death” of a marriage certainly sparks grief and many casually (and wrongly) equate it with being widowed. In reading divorced blogs I frequently see comments about resuming the life or pursuits the person had before getting married, remembering who they were originally.
From the blogs of widows I almost always read about how they’ve changed forever, new likes, new hobbies, new tastes and preferences, new pursuits. They almost never talk about going back to their old pre-married self.
My point: you’ve changed, loss of a loved one (doesn’t have to be a spouse) does that to us. Fortunately many, if not most, of the changes can be considered positive. You’ll forever be more sensitive to others. You’ll be even more compassionate. You’ll prioritize better because you’ve lived what is important and what is not. Just to name a few of your changes…
Some will be able to adjust and change with you. Some sadly will not.
denise said on August 30, 2012
Hi Bette–I’m curious if you have more insight into your friend’s experience with relationships in her life? I’m wondering after a few days and hearing what others have experience if you’ve received more clarity about changes in relationships.
bette said on August 31, 2012
Hi,
Thank you so much – for each of your insights and understanding. Oh, I wish there was a way to express how I’ve held on to your words (and reread them)over the past several days.
Sharon, I love how you talked about the void of purpose that others may not understand because of my involvement in my mother’s care. Just seeing this in writing somehow makes me more understanding of others, both here in the house and outside of.
Kristin, Definitely something to think about with the kids, that I hadn’t before. Through Denise’s prodding, I’m spending some planned one on one time with each of the kids (and Greg). That time spills into the house, creating very unique as well as much more open conversations.
Karen, I think you are so right – the dynamics shift and change – in thinking about it more, they would have to, it wouldn’t be right if they didn’t. (:
Jo, Thank you for listing the statistics, and the changes. You are such an encouragement to me – to focus on the positive changes, helps with the change that is so evident.
Denise, Yes. I’m understanding more about what my friend was talking about – through reading the comments here. With that clarity, comes a peace. I’m so grateful for the experiences shared here and that I can read them over and over (: