“What If”
May 16 2012 in Laura's Blog by laura
“What if we had taken her home instead of having her in the nursing home? Would she still be living?” This is the thought that lingers, the one with which I continue to struggle. At the time having my mother in a nursing home seemed like the best decision based on all of the variables we had to consider. After she died, I started questioning it. It’s been almost a year and a half since her death and only recently that I’ve been able to start letting go of the “what if.”
The “what if” is alluring, it assumes (emphasis on assumes) that if something else was done a more favorable outcome would have transpired. Maybe we made a poor choice and the next time we are in a similar situation we can choose better. What it also assumes is that we are in control, even though we are throwing ourselves under the bus by taking the blame for the result; however, that is preferable to thinking we have no control at all.
I understand this on a professional level. For example, in abusive homes children will often blame themselves for their parents’ actions, thinking that if they were only better the abuse would stop. This seems incredible and hard to swallow until we look at the issue of control and how frightening it is for kids, or adults for that matter, to believe that there are times when things are out of our control.
It is uncomfortable for me to think that there was nothing else I could have done that would have made a difference in her living or dying. On the other hand it is somewhat liberating. What if my efforts are not measured by whether she lived or died? What if my job was to just be with her and not to make her better?
Up until the last month of her life, I could not believe that she was dying. There had to be some well of reserve left in her to pull out of it. But as she continued to decline and I came to accept that she was dying, our talks became different and I stopped trying to fix her. I asked her about her thoughts about dying and she shared them with me. I let her know it was ok for her to go. I asked her if she worried about my sister and me. She asked me about my support system. These talks were difficult and I often felt very sad during them, but I also felt a lot of love. Speaking honestly with each other and addressing the truth leaves me with no regrets or “what ifs” in this area.
I would like to give myself the same amount of grace about the decision we made to have her in a nursing home. When I look at the information we had, the number of people with whom we consulted, the death of my father the month prior, and the stress of her sudden decline, our decision seems sound. But my feelings and this nagging doubt aren’t based on logic. I think about how she cared for us and my father. Would she have put me in a home? Will someone eventually do the same to me? How will I go out of this world?
These are big questions and ones for which I have no answers, but maybe that’s the point. The point is what do I do with uncertainty in my life? It is an opportunity to let go of my illusion of control. It is an opportunity to make the most of the time I have left. It is an opportunity to connect with others, as somehow these fears are less frightening when I share them. Finally, it has opened me to develop my faith and a spiritual practice. When I look at these possibilities the “what if” seems smaller and less potent. What if I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be?
Sharon said on May 16, 2012
Hi, Laura,
The “whatifs” and “should haves” are a normal part of the grieving process. I was able to keep my husband home to the end. Yet I also engaged in the “what ifs.” It has crossed my mind whether he would have lived longer, if he was in a nursing home.
You alluded to the truth. The death of our loved ones was beyond our control. It was their time.
My faith also is what keeps me grounded. I miss my husband deeply and yet I know I am not really alone. Yes, I think we are both where we are supposed to be.
laura said on May 16, 2012
Thank you Sharon for sharing – interesting how our situations were in reverse. You make a good point that these “what ifs” are part of the process of grieving, as is the letting go of them.
denise said on May 19, 2012
Hi Laura–I think it’s so interesting that we can talk ourselves into having superhuman powers. That we become tempted to believe that we have the power to keep loved ones alive. The “What if’s” can lead us into that trap of believing we have the power to do the impossible.
I love your last paragraph–the surrender to the peace of our humanness. We can’t live forever but we can make the most of our limited time. And, that’s exactly what you did. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Laura Barrows said on May 30, 2012
Thanks Diane!
Karen said on May 30, 2012
Hi Laura–I think that the “what if’s” haunt us no matter what choices we made as caregivers. I know that I visited “what if’s” quite a lot. What if I had tried this treatment or refused that treatment? What if I had known of this procedure? What if I could have been home more with my mother? What if I had seen this condition earlier? As you said, our feelings are not based on logic.
The truth is that we make the best decisions we can at the time with the knowledge we have at that time. We are not super human.
As I think of my mother, I think that the most important job that I had was just to be with her and to let her know that she was loved.
I, too, wonder about how I will go out of this world.
Having experienced loss makes me more appreciative of those still in my life. It is so important to connect with others, to be thankful for what we still have as well as for the lives of those who have gone on.
Bette said on July 30, 2012
Hi Laura,
I’m sorry for those nagging thoughts. Thoughts that have no place and yet we feel better in working through them.
Thank you for sharing the conversations you had that showed the love you shared with each other. Hang on to those memories – those are the ones that deserve to be there.